Cooking is both simpler and more necessary than we imagine. It has in recent years come to seem a complication to juggle against other complications, instead of what it can be—a clear path through them.
— Tamar Adler, An Everlasting Meal
When we sold our last home–a mid-century ranch we had renovated and transformed over a seven year period–the couple moving from Germany asked to include our large farm table in the sale, too. My husband looked at me with eyes that said, “well, what do you think?” and it took only as long as my mouth needed to form the word no to answer. They could have the newly refinished oak floors, the limestone countertops, the fridge we had bought for our first home, my favorite dining room light fixture, the large garden we had built from scratch and the new Oak trees we had planted to take over after our old, tired Oaks gave way–but the table felt sacred to me. It was more than wooden utility. For me, the table is story. In the cup rings, scratches, and uneven stain, I see hundreds of meals shared with friends and family, the school days and watercolors, the birthday parties and candle-lit dinners, the celebration of new marriages and babies, the tears of hardship and the stories of courage and belief. For almost a decade, this table has soaked up our life-spilled stories and days and every crumb we’ve shared in between. This piece was moving with us.
Yet somewhere in all of the transition and pace of last year–in the repairing of our new home, establishing new rhythms, and the haste to make ends meet financially–our family table became buried beneath tools and dust and projects and life, and our mealtime and cooking practices were buried along with it. Meals became forced and hurried, as did the connection we had with one another around it. Even this, the wandering and forgetting, is part of this table’s story. By the end of the year, I yearned for the leisure of this space, the connection with one another through food and conversation, even the messy and loud sort. I had realized that in all of my efficiency of routine to get things done, to simply take care of needs, I was skimming off some of the richest parts, the creme of our family life, our togetherness. We were becoming a familiar modern story of fast-food and moving meals.
I realize my story also belongs to many of you, not a tale about a piece of furniture or a specific food group, but one about a way of life, a connection with meals and togetherness. As Edith Schaeffer wrote in The Hidden Art of Homemaking, “Meals can be very small indeed, very inexpensive, short times taken in the midst of a big push at work, but they should be always more than just food.” Your family mealtime might take place at a beautiful formal dining table or perhaps around a kitchen island, a card table, or breakfast nook. Whatever the spot, a family meal doesn’t always require a dining room, fancy food, or a tablecloth, and although I prefer the slower, longer meals, it doesn’t always have to be that either. The true beauty is that the family table takes on as many shapes and forms as the people who fill them. The point is to keep returning, to keep nurturing that mealtime togetherness regardless.
At the end of last year, my husband and I began to evaluate our home-life, looking to mend the connections, relationally and practically, that had been neglected and strained during all of our change the last few years. Our family table seemed to be a simple place to begin, a place that we all longed for and needed for its regular meals and togetherness. Like few other things, the table nurtures and nourishes us. It cultivates story and memory with one another. It reminds us, even in a ten minute lunch, how to pause and receive. Below I wrote out some of the ways we’re reprioritizing this space and using our time around the table together. They will of course look different in your own home, but I hope they will somehow inspire you to keep nurturing your meals and the people you share them with.
start the day together // Since Mark leaves for work each morning just after 7am, we’ve been waking the kids up at 6:45am to come to the table, eat a simple breakfast, read this, and pray together. This time is usually quite simple and only 15 minutes or so long, but it’s become a sweet consistent way to begin/reset for our day.
add fresh florals // Fresh flowers and greenery are always one of the first meal details to cut from our budget. While they’re not a practical necessity, fresh flowers naturally draw attention to a space, to a place. I’ve noticed as my children are getting older, they notice and appreciate these details, too, “ooh, pretty flowers, mom!” This year, I decided to take a bit of our grocery cash each week to set aside for a few fresh blooms and leaves. It’s a small thing, but significant in nurturing a specific space, I think.
clear and clean the table // Without paying attention, I’ve realized it’s easy to simply get up and walk away from the table after a meal, leaving the dishes and crumbs right where they were. (I’m sure that’s not the case in your home.) Additionally, our table, naturally located in the flow of foot traffic, also becomes an easy place to drop mail, keys, library books, unfinished school work, etc. Although it seems obvious, no one enjoys gathering around a dirty or cluttered table. Take time before and after meals or other activities to clean up. Each of our children have specific jobs around mealtime preparation and clean-up. Currently, our girls (ages 5 and 8) are in charge of the table space right now, making sure it’s prepared and cleaned afterward, while the boys (ages 9 and 11) clean and clear the kitchen workspace and dishes.
make time to share // When we lived with my sister and brother-in-law for a year, there were ten of us at each meal (if no one else joined us). We needed a way to connect with one another in a very simple way, so my brother-in-law, Tim, began a tradition called “best/worst.” Each evening, one person begins by sharing the best and worst parts of their day, then they choose someone else at the table to do the same. This person shares and then chooses the following and so on until everyone has had a chance to share. We still practice this several nights a week, and I’m always surprised to hear the highlights of their days, often they’re far more simple than I expect, sometimes event the food iteself.
read // Reading anything from books to blogs to IG or Twitter accounts has been such an inspiring way to connect with mealtime again. In terms of books, I have read or am reading: The Hidden Art of Homemaking, An Everlasting Meal: Cooking with Grace and Economy, and Bread and Wine— all of which I highly recommend. I also love reading and learning from my favorite cookbooks: Vegetable Literacy, It’s All Good, The Kinfolk Table, Sunday Suppers, and more recently, Clean Slate.
include the kids // Perhaps this is another obvious point, but having the kids participate in meal-planning and meal-making naturally slows us down, gives them familiarity with different cooking practices, and cultivates expectancy about the meal itself. Depending on their age, they might chop or process vegetables. They can sauté the onions, line the parchment paper in the pan, stir a pot of soup, kneed dough or butter the bread. Create space and time to have your children with you in the kitchen. Teach them how to protect the fingers while chopping or properly wash the food beforehand. Give them cookbooks to flip through and discover what they might like to try.
What are some of the ways you/your family connect at mealtime?
Comments
I know this is an old post- I found it while searching your blog to find out more about the origins of your beautiful table. Was it a store purchase, or custom made? I’m hoping to invest in a “forever” table for our family this year and I really love yours .
We purchased it from Crate and Barrel almost a decade ago, but I believe they still have something similar, but I can’t remember what it’s called, Basques maybe? Anyway, it will point you in the direction. We’ve LOVED this table, and it’s held up so well under all the hard use.
This is such an encouragement…the table is such a hallowed place even in the midst of family chaos! Love your perspective; so real yet so restorative.
I’m so grateful to hear this, Janice. And yes, “hallowed even in the midst of chaos”–I love that. I know it won’t always be that way, but I want to live fully in this season while it lasts. Thank you for sharing. xo
Hi Bethany! I love and enjoy your post =) you’re really wonderful and wise woman! you’re blessed to me❤ love from Japan!
Thank you so much for sharing, Hisae! It’s always amazing how large and small the world is at once. There are so many ways to enjoy family time together, and I’m always glad to share snippets of our own. I’m so happy to hear it resonates with your own half a world away. xo
Haha! I love it when epiphanies arrive while writing and how incredible that you built a table for your family! You’re so inspiring, Chelsea, and yes, I think everyone should eat their dinner seated, too. ;) xx
I’m reading Bread and Wine right now and am enjoying it. The Hidden Art of Homemaking is another favorite.
Bread and Wine has been on my list forever, and I finally stumbled across a copy last week at a used bookstore. I’m in the beginning, but it’s already such a sweet treat for my soul. Glad we can be connected in this way, Danielle, and wishing we could meet up to talk about it over coffee! ;) x
i love those quotes!!! i, too, tend to run off and leave the crumbs behind. then, when i come back to the table it makes me bristle up at the mess. i always remember eating family dinners together after my dad came home. no tv. no radio (i’m aging myself with that one! lol). just sharing and fellowship.
Same here. We only had dinner with a movie once in a while in my childhood home, otherwise it was the same rule. I didn’t even think about adding that to the list, but you’re right, so many families eat with the TV on in the background. Thanks for sharing and reminding!
I love you, Bethany. I’m thankful for your posts, and that you always share the things that are working for, or not working for, or blessing your family, knowing it could be of help to someone else. This reminds me of a paper I had written about the importance of the dinner table…so good for the family.
Thank you, Amberly. I so appreciate your encouragement today. Really. It’s hard to walk openly online, in a way that is honest but also private. I’m always glad to encourage women and mothers in any way on this journey. xo
Love this Bethany, and thanks for the Hidden Art of Homemaking book recommendations- I loved the other ones you suggested especially Bread & Wine and Everlasting Meal. You might also like Soil & Sacrament and The Homemade Life. We do most of these things around our table as well, though I don’t include fresh flowers since we don’t live near a large affordable grocery store. We try to keep our table time media free (no phones).
I always enjoy a good book referral from you. I think you were the first to mention Bread and Wine to me a while back and I finally found a copy at a used bookstore recently. The timing has been perfect. I’ll definitely check the other ones out. And yes, to taking aways media. I can be the worst about setting my phone on the table and certainly been more deliberate about leaving it elsewhere. Such a great reminder. Thank you! x
this is a great reminder. Due to a lack of seating I set out and built us a farm table from wood found here on our farm, sadly we usually cram around a four person table in the kitchen, with my husband standing- seems ridiculous when I write it, but in the moment it just seems easier then vacuuming another room too. Well, you’ve inspired me, time to go back to the dining room!
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